Writers Write the Darnest Things.

Having concluded the literary masterpiece, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I have concluded that a man, in possession of a brown bess, or other such weapon, must be in want to slay some zombies. This simply proves that a book, no matter how great in concept it is, can still be greatly improved by yet another rewrite, or a gimmicky addition, to increase sales. Plus, it helps that in this edition, Lizzie would most certainly lay the smack down on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Of course, no amount of editing or supplementation can erase the original author's horrible abuses to the usual rules of writing.

Jane Austen is guilty of continually TELLING the reader what is/has happened, rather than SHOWING it. This, by today's tough market, would probably prevent the publication of her manuscript (even with the zombies. And given the casual and un-intrusive addition of the undead into the book, one wonders if Austen meant for them to be present in the original narrative). I am sure I am trifling some feelings here, for I am sure some find her prose poetic. Feel free to inform me of my wrongness. But if I do not answer, it is because an unmentionable has feasted upon my cauliflower brains . . .

Never Take a Weekend Off To Look at Pirhanna Plants

So, I took a weekend off. It was nice, relaxing, and I didn't write anything at all. Unfortunately, that was two weekends ago. Oops. And I still haven't gotten back into my writing project yet. Hopefully, Monday will put me back on my regular routine, but for the past couple weeks, writing's been a bit of an anathema to me. Good thing I'm not trying to do this for a living, or to make any money off it.

Oh, wait a tick, that's right. Well, nevermind then.

Since I'm still battling against the villainy that is writing, I'll be short today and and just leave you with this thought: What do vegetarians think of plants that eat animals?

A Time To Kill

My magazine article is finished, after a sloppy first draft, a careful rewrite, some review, another rewrite, and then a final polish by a caffeinated chimpanzee on a straight six-pack of 5 hour energy; I think that's how Shakespeare did it anyway. I'd mail it off Monday, if I could. But, we all need to stop and celebrate Christopher Columbus that day. It's the day he apparently discovered the Caribbean, thus enabling Disney to make a movie about Captain Jack Sparrow.

So, I'm back to working on my main project. But, since I've resolved to relax this weekend (as much as a father can) and don't want to get back to it lest I lose the weekend to it, I've picked up a book to read. Nothing fancy. Just Pride and Prejudice. And Zombies. Cause, Mr. Darcy is one bad mother *ahem* gentleman. I also picked up Sense and Sensibility. And Seamonsters.

My biggest complaint: I am royally upset for not thinking of this first. Really, really upset. It's not like I didn't marry someone who eats Jane Austen for breakfast to inspire me to write about Zombies who might have.

Did I mention writing is all about contrast?

Switching Gears

I'm going to try something else. I'm going to try and write an unsolicited article for a magazine. Actually, let me rephrase. I am going to write something for a magazine. What I am going to try to do is to get it published for profit. People who pay for articles are way too picky. It's almost like they are deluged with thousands of pages of reading material, to go sleepless nights sorting it all, only to have a bunch more crap delivered, un-asked for, the next day. Good thing I'm at this end of the sort-pile. I only have to read the crap I wrote.

Anyways, when my fool-proof plan succeeds, and I'm ready to publish my current fictional project, I can be all *hey, I'm the guy who wrote that one article in that one magazine, yo!* and I can be placed in the reject pile a bit closer to the top. Er, bottom. Whatever is closer to that 'maybe/second look' pile. Anyways, the point is, I will succeed, and victory will be mine! Or at least a check for $39.99

I, Comma

I am never going to learn English. Properly, anyway. I'm simply shooting to be able to order basic menu items and to ask where the bathroom is. Actually, I have failed that last bit twice, having asked whilst in England where both the 'bathroom' and 'restroom' were located. Luckily, a sign that read: 'water closet' announced the information I desperately needed. Fortunately, here in the States, we don't take our language all that seriously. Just ask any bleached blonde from the San Fernando Valley. But, she likely isn't looking to get published (although it might make for an interesting read).

One of the most common writing infractions, made up by me, is the misuse of the comma. I've noticed that people either tend to use it when in doubt, or they simply chose not use it at all. I myself belong to the former group. However, a misplaced comma can change the intention of a sentence entirely. The most famous example, (again, according to me) comes from the joke, and subsequent book title, Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. While this is apparently a simple mistaken use of a serial comma, the result gives the title a bit of ambiguity. The extraneous punctuation implies that there is a verb at work here instead of a noun. Comma's suck.

My personal issue with commas is with the use of sentence structure. I would much rather say, "Once out of bed, he made himself some coffee, poured it, and sat down to read his newspaper," then to say, "He sat down to read his newspaper once he made and poured his coffee after he got out of bed." However, I have no idea where the commas go in the first example. I don't even know where they all go in this here blog post. I guess, as I assume most people do, they get placed where they sound right. Grammatically speaking however, there is a precise way of knowing. So, back to studying, go I.

Their, There, Its alright.

There. Their. Its. It's. Alright and All right. Most of us know when to use what word when, like Know vs. No. But typing hurriedly, or in casual places such as forums or texting, leads to common word swappage that bypasses the best of spell checker program and quick manual gloss-overs. The best bet is for us all to get English degrees and not make mistakes in the first place. Wait a minute while I consider if I meant that as a joke.

Kidding aside, a needless grammar mistake can kill your publishing attempt dead. A simple grammar mistake to a professional editor is glaring, and is going to get you thrown into the reject pile. Don't make the mistake in assuming that your story is so great and novel, that any mistakes will be corrected thanklessly for you in the publishing process.

Also, casual word swapping on the 'net needs to just die. Could we just stop using 'Teh' in place of 'The'? That would be great, thanks!

It's Good Grammar That We Speak Of

I hate me some Grammar. It's bad enough that we have to spel properli. Then do'nt we have to puncuate properly, as, well. Most of us can get by with only the minimum mistakes in either. But, grammar kills us deader than dead. Not only can it be obtrusive in stylized writing, it can kill an otherwise well meant story. Bad grammar is equivalent to swimming through muddy water. Clear concepts can be caused some confusion.

I have horrible grammar. Always have. Don't know how I made it through Grammar school. I've been reading up on it and trying to improve. For the next few blog posts, we'll explore some of the most common mistakes, or mistakes that we commonly make. Mine is sentence and paragraph structure. What are yours?